Sunrise, Sunset

I was once a little girl. I rode a pink huffy 10-speed and designed outfits for my Fashion Plates; I had a dog that I told stories and tapped around the kitchen in my tutu while my mom cooked dinner. I was typical, well-adjusted and bright. That is I thought so until I learned that Every Little Girl Dreams of Her Big Day!

I dreamed about being a paleontologist; my best friend Stacie Bartlett was going to establish her orthopedic surgical practice next door. After work we would eat colored construction paper and have tea with our Cabbage Patch Kids. I dreamed about digging in the earth and staging plays. I liked Eric Hines, who decidedly did not like me back, even when I gave him the Land O'Lakes cheese from my lunchbox.

My parents were married. I remember watching Diana marry that Ugly Prince on television. It just never occurred to me to don a pillow case on my head and plan a pink-hued day. I figured after I was rescued from the Viny Tower I would have some world events to catch up on and would want to spend some time reading and travelling and washing the sleep out of my eyes. Also, getting to know my new groom, the hero.

I had boyfriends in high school and dated in college. I went to parties and made out and thought about a sustainable future. Then I met Malcolm and there was really no question about our being together. Even when we faltered, when he felt stifled and I wailed, I knew somewhere deep that he would come back and all would be well. Even when we broke up for a terrible and wonderful summer, all that transpired felt like the early chapters of a book I had read so often that in bed I could follow the story with eyes closed.

So when we got engaged after six years together it was...not anticlimactic or expected...I guess it just felt predetermined. This did not stop me from crying like a baby in the lobby of The Algonquin Hotel. I didn´t know I wanted to be engaged until I was and then I did. A lot. It makes sense. But we had talked about travelling the world together and living abroad in a few well-chosen spots on the beach or in a cool city. We wanted to open a bar or maybe a bookstore or make boats or web sites or something. In our bliss we never once fantasized about an intimate ceremony, a big reception, or even an elopement in Vegas.

And I really don't know if I am flawed in some way. Maybe in all this snarky posturing and shouting I'm waiting for an echo of empathy or a condemnation from the conventional girls I sat with during lunch but never was. I do really think that weddings are gross industry, and planning one a useless way to spend my time. I have a lot to do. I have not yet found buried treasure and now I have to do this too?!